Craptastic Clash of the Titans

For the record, I am not a scholar of mythology nor could I ever hope to wrap my feeble brain around that many gods and monsters. My very slight knowledge of Kronos, Zeus, and my favorite god Priapus, comes from my coliseum sized mythology lecture which gave me a more intimate knowledge of the backs of my eyelids rather than the inner workings of Mt. Olympus' hierarchy. But despite my failings as a student, Clash of the Titans missed the mark so far that even as I sat uneducated in my uncomfortable theater seat I was often muttering, "Now wait just a gall dern second, mister."

The story of Perseus and his vengeful quest against the gods has been told before in film and literature, both forms of media seemingly ignored during the script writing process of this very poor remake. It feels as if director Louis Letterier simply saw a flow chart with some names on it, gods of this or that, then proceeded to slap together what can only be described as a back-alley hanger abortion of a movie.

Generally, the rule of thumb in the movie biz is to have your main character be likable. Clash decided to take a different approach by having Perseus (Sam Worthington) be one of the most insufferable entitled assholes ever filmed. Tramping across landscapes that quickly and inexplicably shift from desert tundras to mountainous vistas, Perseus wears out his, "I do this as a man" line about ten minutes into the movie then persists to verbally smite the gods with this phrase so often that by the end of the movie your body will be conditioned to force bile into your throat at the mere sight of him. So go into your next Sam Worthington experience with great caution.

I'm trying my hardest to blame the director for the way Hades was portrayed. Ralph Feinnes is too great an actor to have pulled off something so bad without a bit of outside influence. He shuffled around sounding like some half-assed Dumbledore and instead of being creepy, proved only that the Underworld health care system is in serious disrepair compared to that of Mt. Olympus, which clearly has a universal system. POLITICS! All of the acting was bland save for the two comic relief hunters who were unceremoniously tossed in there when Leterrier realized what a piece of shit he had on his hands.

Aside from the lead being generally hatable, a big budget effects film will at least be nice to look at though, right? Wrong. Well, wrong excluding the "worth the price of admission" Kraken. Seriously, it looked bad ass. But to get to the Kraken, you're forced to sit through nigh two hours of bad sets, worse CGI, and a veritable Jersey Shore's worth of self tanner and ab sheen. The film opens with a shot of what is probably supposed to be an eagle, but could easily be confused with a malignant brown mass more commonly found in the lower intestines, soaring towards some incomprehensible landscape that looks like it was rendered by a first generation Gameboy. Sadly, this very first CG effect sets the tone for the rest of the film. With the great and gorgeous exception of Gemma Arterton who looked nothing but pristine, for better or worse, for the entirety of Clash, every actor appeared to have been rubbed down with copious amounts of bright orange bronzer just before having globs of muck thrown at them. Mercifully, the film is free and clear from any and all fist pumping, but it's replaced with snarling frowns of pearly white teeth in acts of supposed "aggression."

There's no reason to believe that one part of this movie was filmed anywhere besides the stage of a high school drama class. The sets looked like sets and the props like props. Being brought further out of the story could only be achieved if you saw a sword's rubbery blade wobble, which I'm sure if you looked hard enough you could find.

The film's one shining star is my current "can do no wrong" actor, Mads Mikkelsen, the only person on the quest who seems to be a real warrior and not a whiny demigod or comic relief. His character almost makes the movie worth watching...almost. Trying to squint past all of the "I will do this as a man," garbage from Perseus is nearly impossible making it hard to even notice Mikkelsen even showed up. If you manage to see him amongst the trash don't judge him based on who he's standing next to.

Clash of the Titans should have been good, and very easily could have been. The players were all there, the money was there, but the vision was somewhere else. Mythological incongruence, poor cinematography and weak effects sank this ship before it even left port. Enjoy this movie only in the company of a witty set of friends and a handful of distractions.

2 stars

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Comments

[Kristin]

not to mention that EVERYONE but Perseus had outrageous hair but he managed to find the hair clippers...and the fact that Gemma Arterton, while pristine, probably could not actually feel his heart beating through his several inches thick armor...

[Will LeBlanc]

I bet something several inches thick got a beating after that though.

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