I'm sort of in shock right now. I've sat here for about 15 minutes staring at an empty page wondering where to start and I just can't find the right words. Maybe there are no words that would sufficiently describe Boondock Saints 2. "Bad" certainly doesn't cover it; "terrible" doesn't do it justice; even calling it straight up dog shit doesn't convey the proper amount of suckitude attached to this film.

Seems that our boys didn't take out everyone in the Yakavetta family, and Breakfast Club Yakavetta wants revenge for the public murder of his father, Disappointed-With-His-Sandwich Yakavetta from Boondock 1. Don't worry if you don't remember exactly how Sandwich was killed, they go ahead and show you the entire courtroom scene from the first film (all scratchy and black and white so you know it's a flashback) to make sure you're up to speed. The saints are hiding with their father in Ireland where they seemingly glued goat hair to every inch of their face and covered their backs with tattoos that even the most open minded God would look at and say, "Dude, that's kind of offensive....and really ugly."

Judd Nelson Yakavetta calls our heroes out by copy cat killing a priest, but of course Special Agent Eunice Bloom is quick to figure out that it wasn't the saints. Turns out it was just some guy with a pretty serious case of penis envy working for some mysterious man who wants to take revenge upon Il Duce. Who knows why, but it gets the saints' attention, and Connor and Murphy McManus return to Boston and cause the same old ruckus as before...the EXACT same ruckus.

For the first three minutes I was on board. Guy kills a priest, saints are in hiding with Il Duce, it was all well and good. And then the saints become the McNaked brothers and start cutting all their hair off in one of the most gratuitous shower scenes I've ever seen. It was filmed and edited like the god damn Transformers movies so the scene was sort of like watching Bumble Bee get his freak on in an after hours Skinemax flick. I wish I could say that was the worst of it, but that would be a bold faced lie.

As long as we're talking about Transformers, Clifton Collins Jr. as Romeo would be the Mexican equivalent of the twins. He's introduced in one of the most obviously recycled scenes from the first film where the saints "fuck with him" a la Rocco. Somehow, the saints let him join their quest, despite his not-at-all spiritual connection to anything and just his general willingness to kill, which he doesn't do a whole lot of. He spends most of his time overacting in a way that wasn't even befitting of a Boondock Saints movie, and that is hard to do. The rest of the time he spends making crazy eyes at things or crying for what you think will be some funny reason, but no one ever tells you what that reason is so it was one of many totally wasted plot devices.

Julie Benz delivers probably the worst southern accent you'll ever hear on film as Special Agent Eunice Bloom. Her character is what would happen if you bought her predecessor, Paul Smecker (Willem FUCKING Dafoe), at a garage sale from someone who had previously bought him at a flea market. Her character is a carbon copy of her gay counterpart but with none of the charm and a second helping of annoying.

Boondock Saints 2 is like that nerdy kid in high school that put on jock clothes and tried to hang with the cool kids at lunch. Only problem is, he was trying so hard to be cool that it all felt forced and in the end the jocks still beat him up and took his carton of milk. This movie dressed up like the jocks and failed so bad at being cool that they just left him alone because it was so much of a joke by itself. That clearly didn't stop me from picking on it, but you can't help but feel bad for it.

If there were to be a saving grace it would have been the three stooges left over from the first movie. You know the guys, "Where you goin'? Nowheah". They crank up the over acting a bit just like everyone else, but their banter was mostly sharp and got a few laughs out of me. The saints themselves while not even close to as funny as the first Boondock, still managed to spit out a few memorable quotes and reference at least 40 movies they're imitating making me wonder if they mistook a call from Blockbuster about late charges for the so-called message from god they heard 10 years ago.

If you have any urge to see this movie, don't. Just watch the first one. When I say every element is recycled here, I am not lying. Reveal the scene during investigation of the aftermath? Check. Scream in slow motion after someone gets shot? Check. Bar room massacre? Check. Saints fighting in an enclosed space only to be inevitably dumped directly into a fight? Check. The list goes on and on. The film is lazy, redundant, long, and boring. 

1 star