I've never wanted to hate anything more than the Twilight Saga. The love story is trite, the characters are thoroughly unlikable, and the scene surrounding it makes me want to take an electric drill to my temple. But despite even MY best efforts, which have been considerable, I thought New Moon was at least somewhat enjoyable. It'll only ever win useless MTV Awards and ten years from now all the little tween bitches who nearly pass out at the sight of a brooding Robert Pattinson will laugh at how dumb they were, but for now I hate to admit that the movies are alright.

Our heroes, Bella and Edward, are living happily ever after, though you'd never know it since neither one of them seems to know how to smile in the presence of the other. Edward, who is still a sparkly vampire and not something interesting, leaves Bella in order to protect her from...something. Then in true 18-year-old broken heart fashion, and one of the only recognizably cool shots of the film, Bella does nothing for four months beyond look out a window and expend all of her energy delivering one of the fiercest frowns of all time. When she finally emerges not as a butterfly, but as the same Bella we've come to know and not love at all, she discovers that a phantom Edward will appear and tell her to not be a fool if she does things that make her decidedly a fucking fool.

She befriends the nicer and more interesting Jacob and uses the shit out of him so she can ride motorcycles and see fleeting images of her former lover/make out buddy. Jacob doesn't like this, and you won't like Jacob when he's angry. He joins the local gang of werewolves who are sort of like cops, there to protect people from the vampires. The only difference being that instead of a badge and hat, their uniform is cut-off jean shorts, sneakers, and shirts that explode when you turn into the monster version of yourself. It's also a requirement to be ripped beyond necessity.

One of Bella's hits from the adrenaline bong goes too far and Edward thinks she died. Clearly since he is immortal he'd never in a million years find another love like the needy and only moderately attractive Kristen Stewart so he does what any good vampire would do, attempts to reveal himself to a crowded Italian town so the vampire bosses will kill the shit out of him. Bella ain't havin' that so she abandons Jacob, who like I said before is way more interesting and actually seems to genuinely like her, and is seemingly teleported to the exact spot where Edward plans to reveal that diamonds are forever. After we meet the Volturi, who plan to carry out the deed of desparkling dear Edward, he and Bella save each other about eight times by saying what seems to be kryptonite to age old vampires, "NO WAIT!"

And then we transport back into the woods in Forks for some reason where Bella scorns Jacob, who again is way cooler than Edward and doesn't look like he lives in a meat locker, before Edward finally agrees to grant Bella her birthday wish of becoming a vampire, which I guess he'll do in three years? 

If you subtracted all of the tween pleasing garbage that fills this movie to the brim, IE remove Bella and Edward completely, I'd actually be really into the story. Although it's been done in Underworld three times already, the vampires vs. werewolves war is always an interesting one. And the Volturi, including the devilish Dakota Fanning, predictably were my favorite part of the film. Twilight as a whole is just infinitely bogged down by Edward and Bella telling each other sweet nothings about how they could never live without each other through scowls of true love.

New Moon does a pretty great job of provoking uncontrollable gasps and squeals out of girls ages 7 to 45. And I don't even mean just because of the dudes. After wasting what I thought would be all of their cheers on the Summit Entertainment logo, the tweens and Twilight moms all hailed the New Moon title card with more reverence than the first appearance of Edward, presumably because when he showed up they were too entranced by his Volvo SUV and his "I just rolled my ass out of bed" hair. Just when I thought the panties were as wet as they could get, Jacob proclaims, "It's just a little blood. No biggy" and takes his shirt off in the most ab-flexinest manner possible. I was shocked that it wasn't in slow-mo, with his hair blowing in the wind while some P.A. lightly mists him from just off camera. It defined absurdity. But I mean, I fully recognize that if I looked like that kid does, I would dramtically remove my shirts in situations that didn't call for it too.

"Thanks for shopping at Walmart, your total is $119.45,"

"A hundred and twenty bucks? No biggy," Shirt off. And the panties hit the floor.

Technically, I guess the movie is alright. Comparing it visually to the first one would be doing a disservice to Chris Weitz who put together a way better looking film. The acting is a little better as the young cast seems to have found their footing. The only problem is just how much of a soap opera the whole thing is. Countless minutes are wasted on pseudo-emotional scenes in which Bella and someone just say, "I like you but we can't be together" over and over again to one another. It quickly becomes incredibly tedious and boring.

I hate that I liked this movie a little bit. I wouldn't say that it is leagues better than the first one, but it does a decent job of taking what Twilight did right and then doing it better. I won't be watching this again anytime soon, but it does have at least a little cinematic merit. AWFUL script, depressing abs, unexpected entertainment value.

2.5 stars