Bend over and show me your ASTEROIDS

In the morning, I usually like to sit, snack on trail mix, drink some orange juice, and get a few tabs in my firefox open to some news that I might find interesting. However, THIS morning is different. While I'm still enjoying my trail mix and orange juice, I just can not wait to report on this outrageous Hollywood happening. Something so mindnumbingly idiotic must be shared with the masses as quickly as possible.

Lorenzo Di Bonaventura, super producer of such classics as Doom, Imagine That, and recent 'splosion porn Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, has recently acquired the rights to....wait for it.....Asteroids the video game. You remember it, right? It's the one where you control a little triangle and blast big "rocks" into tinier "rocks" and occasionally an alien spaceship flies by. You can even see one in that picture towards the left side. This all totally sounds like a great basis for a movie right? Plenty of story and character development, limitless action, mutha fucken aliens?!

For the sake of it being lost through the text, you'd have to use a full roll of ultra-absorbant Bounty to clean all the sarcasm off that last sentence. How much more ridiculous/retarded is it going to get? ASTEROIDS?! Really, guys? This movie has already been made, a few times actually; they're called Armageddon, and Deep Impact. And I'm sure there's loads more on the straight-to-DVD rack.

What baffles me most is that there was a FOUR STUDIO bidding war. You read that right, four studios wanted the right to call their movie Asteroids...after a 1978 video game that most kids these days probably don't even know existed. Money well spent guys considering you can write a script about whatever you want and make it work.

Never have I heard anything so outrageously useless. Well, maybe the Candyland movie. On both counts I'd like to start off the morning with a big Fuck You to Hollywood. So Hollywood, FUCK YOU! The Hollywood Reporter has a less angry version of this story.

Good shit when will it stop.