The Orphanage kicked and clawed its way into the number 1 spot not because it's the scariest of the bunch, that glorious honor goes to [REC], but because the way the scares are used ALWAYS adds to the story. You'll never see something just happen for the sake of getting squeals out of the audience. Everything is warranted and everything is useful. On top of that, the story of The Orphange is by far the most well told of the bunch not only scaring you, but breaking your heart into a thousand pieces as well.

A beautiful but run-down orphanage has just been purchased by a husband and wife looking to reopen it as a facility for special needs children. The wife, Laura, grew up in the orphanage and is excited to reopen and start caring for her kids. However, her son Simon makes a few new friends. Friends Laura can't see. Chalking this up to his imagination, she ignores the problem until eventually they decide to play a game with her, hiding Simon where she will never find him unless she follows the clues.

The only problem is that Laura, even though Simon played this game with her before he was taken, doesn't pick up on the clues and months go by of her trying desperately to find him, even resorting to using a psychic to see if his spirit was in the house.

You'll notice right away that this movie is shot better than the VAST majority of horror movies, save for maybe Let the Right One In. It's not like watching a normal horror movie were they force you to be scared by being all up in everyone's face all the time or shaking the camera all over the place or giving you way too close up shots of gory bits of "what the fuck is that!?" Instead, The Orphanage uses the camera and light to paint you beautiful, vibrant images, and tell you an amazing story.

Just because I said it's not THE scariest movie on the list doesn't mean that it isn't scary at all. The first appearance of bag head kid will freeze your spine up so hard you'll be reminded of the elementary school scholiosis tests. And the subsequent atmosphere created by the aforementioned cinematography will have you constantly waiting for the next thing The Orphanage chooses to show you.

I don't want to tell you the ending of course, but not mentioning it would be a disservice to the film. There is no ending in film that I think I am more in love with. The story plays out just so well and then they heighten the suspense into supernatural levels, the pace is raised to a point where you'll start to feel your ribs cracking from how hard your heart is pumping, and then boom.......the heart that was so furiously beating in your chest may have just been ripped out of you for all you know. The movie deflates you on a personal level and the performance by Belen Rueda as Laura will shake you at your soul. There's almost no way to keep from crying....and it's a horror film.

The Orphanage is just an astounding film. Never have I seen a horror film (and make no mistake, this is a fucking FILM) that could touch so emotionally while still finding the time to make you shit your pants several times throughout. It's beautiful to look at, scary as hell, and perfectly told. Please, I implore you, go get this film. You won't regret it.

[REC] follows the deceptively adorable Angela Vidal, a local journalist for a show called "While You're Asleep." Her and her unseen cameraman, Pablo, are spending the night at the fire station in Barcelona to show how the overnight shift lives their life. The alarm sounds and Angela's wish for something exciting to happen is granted, but it is a wish she'd most definitely take back.

There's a woman going apeshit in her 3rd floor apartment that the police and firemen are trying to calm down, but lo and behold, bitch totally lays a bite down on an unsuspecting cop. When trying to remove him from the building, Angela and her firemen find that it's been quarantined fucking E.T. style and no one is allowed in or out for fear of a spreading infection. Refering to it as a "BNC" lock down, Biological, Nuclear, Chemical, their fears are warranted as the infection quickly starts to spread to all of the building's tenants.

The first 10 minutes of [REC] are sort of slow, almost boring, but it's perfect. Angela is at the fire station just waiting for something to happen. It adds a bit of realism the same way the the first 20 minutes of Cloverfield is just sort of people walking around. Once the action begins though, there's almost no stop. Crazy shit continues to happen that will have you stuck to your ceiling faster than you can say, "OH FUCK ME!!" 

A quick tip for watching [REC], pay the fuck attention to it and expect the unexpected. I was putting together my assets for this write up during the first 15-20 minutes and at one point I glanced up and seconds later the films first real "jump scare" almost knocked me off the couch. Usually when a film uses jump scares I refer to them as cheap shots since they kind of feel like a sucker punch, but for [REC], they are all earned scares and nothing feels like it's just there for the sake of being scary (IE EVERYTHING in Haunting in Connecticut). There's no really loud musical cues to help sell them or random bullshit just hanging out. [REC] reinvents the jump scare and in doing so single handedly raised the stock for Depends Adult Diapers at least half a point.

The movie has a great cast. There's a healthy blend of all types of people that you sort of understand a lot about without them telling you really anything about anyone. They don't try to force any sort of character development down your throat, it all just sort of comes naturally, which says a lot about this movie since horror movies in general lack any sort of subtlety. The movie not only does a great job with the characters, but does a great job crafting a believable explanation of just what the infection is. It's not a typical zombie outbreak where they just come back to life and want to eat your brain.

[REC] is actually incredibly short running at barely an hour and 15 minutes, but once you make it through the first hour, you are in for the most intense 15 minutes of your movie viewing career. It's scary in the "Oh fuck what in God's name am I going to see in here" sort of way where your hand takes up permanent residence over your mouth so you can more quickly cover your eyes, because simply shutting them would not be enough. It's probably the most claustrophobic scene out of almost any horror film in and of itself, but then they go and add night vision to the mix. FUUUUUUCK that! Once the night vision kicks on, you'll be shown the most nightmare inducing image out of this entire list. It's unforgettable. You'll wake up in the middle of the night and see it in your room since it will be burned into your brain so vividly. I have no more words for how scary the end is, just know that I yelled like a little girl the first time I saw it. ME! This is my warning to you: If you have heart problems, are pregnant, or generally just don't handle scary movies well, do not use this movie to test your mettle. 

[REC] is an outstanding film which takes the whole zombie genre to the next level. I would say that I could watch it over and over again, but I'd probably send myself to the mental institution if I did. SEE THIS MOVIE! If you dare. And for the love of God, watch [REC] and not Quarantine, or at least watch [REC] first. Nothing infuriates me more than a bullshit remake.

Oskar spends most of his time either getting bullied at school or pretending to knife fight bullies at home, until Eli, a cute in her own awkward sort of way girl of the same age, moves in next door. Oskar and Eli very quickly become a pair bonding over the undeniably awesome Rubik's Cube. "But what if I'm not a girl?" Of course she means that she's a vampire in every traditional sense of the word (except they never explicitly show any fangs), but Oskar is not phased and has no problem still wanting to "go steady."

It's very neat they way they introduce Eli. The first time we see her, she almost floats down from the top of a jungle gym, but if you blink you'll miss it and think she's just a normal little girl. The next time we see her, she's deeply out of focus, but it adds this other worldly aura around her that would make you think she was someone special even if you didn't already know she was a vampire. But not knowing she is a vampire would have been totally sweet because there's a scene where she is hiding under a bridge posing as an injured little girl, but she obviously is just luring a guy over to her so she can eat him. If you didn't know what was going on, that scene would have been really shocking and more effective. It's cool anyway, but not knowing would have been better.

The relationship between Eli and Oskar is cute in a weird sort of way with them both being just about as awkward as you can get about intimacy. Eli leaves him little notes here and there and they start doing Morse code to each other through the walls, they're neighbors after all, in order to keep in touch when Eli is stuck in her dark room for the day. 

Oskar's transition from bullied kid to not-quite-as-bullied kid is slight, but ultimately I approved because it's a pretty short timeline the film follows and I don't believe a kid that timid would change quite as quickly as most mainstream films would have you believe. What Let the Right One does well though is totally villainizing the leader of the bully pack, making him a bit of a Don of sorts. Kudos to the actor because he nails the whole "your life is nothing to me and I would kill you if I could" sort of vibe, while he watches his cronies do his dirty work. Alas, dear reader, there is a comeuppance, and it's a good one.

The few effects drizzled throughout are mostly pretty excellent, save for some distractingly CG attack kitties. Eli's man servant at one point pours acid all over his face to hide his identity before he is captured, and the aftermath of that is an effect that outdoes Two-face's make-up from the Dark Knight. Also notable is the newly made vampire having a hospital window opened upon her and straight up BURSTING into flames. The effect is astoundingly brutal.

The entire film is worth watching if for nothing than to see the underwater shot towards the end of the film. I don't want to ruin it since I think a lot of you probably haven't seen it, but the look of the shot is very surreal and then the actions that take place could not have been more well played out. It's beautiful and grotesque all at the same time, but wonderful to contemplate how they pulled it all off.

Let the Right One In is by far not the scariest movie on my list, but has one of the best stories you'll find in the vampire genre. You'll love the characters, the shots, and the setting. It's paced rather slowly, but I've never been someone who had a problem with that as long as the story itself is moving forward, which this one always is. The first time I saw it was really special, so it'll always hold a place in my heart. For those of you with Netflix, it's watch instantly so go watch it immediately.

I had forgotten that 28 Days Later started off with the exact origin of where the infection began, when a group of activists breaks into an animal testing facility to try and free some deceptively adorable chimpanzees. Lesson number 1 learned from 28 Days Later: When a doctor tells you that monkeys are fucked up, you listen to him and don't release said monkeys into the same room as you. They will go all kinds of rage on you and that benefits no one.

And after that little debacle, we're greeted with a "28 Days Later..." title card and a none too flattering shot of Cillian Murphy's flaccid tube steak as he wakes from an unexplained coma. And the real story begins. Murphy's Jim finds himself in a desolate London, looking for some sort of human life or an explanation about what's going on. He meets Selena and some other guy who Selena proceeds to baseball bat the shit out of leaving just her and Jim to survive until they meet Frank and Hannah, the father daughter combo who are looking for help to get them to salvation. The adventure sets forth.

The atmosphere of the film is what sets the film on the right path from the off. Cillian Murphy spends the first 10 minutes of the film with as much freedom as anyone could ever want, but is totally isolated and alone. That's scary in its own right, but add some murderous retard-strong zombies into the mix and you've got a pretty epic breed of terror. Our introduction to the rage infected masses is probably the most horrifying shot in the film. A church full of bodies fills the frame and as soon as Jim says "Hello" from the church balcony, several bodies dart upright and just stare at him gap jawed and dripping with entrails. Super nicely done.

You may notice that this doesn't quite look like most other movies, but you can't put your finger on it. Well, let me demystify it for you. Danny Boyle shot the entire film on a Canon XL1, a prosumer DV camera. How they uprezzed the footage to have it not look like total dogshit on the big screen, I'll never know. That's the real mystery. Although it was not filmed traditionally, it still had many of Danny Boyle's little charms without feeling like he had just knocked you over and smashed the camera repeatedly into your eyes. But just so you're warned, if you don't like shots that are tilted then 28 Days Later isn't for you because this movie is dutch angle as fuck.

28 Days Later suffers from a slight case of Alex Garland syndrome (he's the writer) as the first two acts of the movie are great, character driven acts that are actually about the relationships and not the situation, and then the third act has some sort of crazy monster thrown in in order to "spice things up" a la Sunshine, which he also wrote. This time however the tables are backwards and it's the humans they meet that turn out to be monsters, but monsters nonetheless and slightly unnecessary, albeit much more interesting than Burny McSunface from Sunshine.

There are just a few things that happen towards the end that I wouldn't buy at a flea market. The first being that the military bloke's they meet up with are out of their minds with sexual frustration after all of 28 days. Yes, that sure is a long time, but apparently in Alex Garland's world, being sex-free for a month makes dudes rape crazy pedophiles. Really? After one month? Maybe I've just got better control over my impulses (doubtful). The only other thing I didn't really buy but will accept due to the massive amounts of badassery is just how quickly Jim turns from a somewhat passive dude into a fucking night ninja, bamfing (Nightcrawler reference, Holler) through the house and decimating these trained military men one after the other. It just would NOT happen. He makes some smart moves and generally is awesome, but he takes down a lot of guys (that's what she said).

Despite my little hold ups about the third act, I truly love this movie. The way it scared me the first time I saw it I will never forget and now I appreciate so much more what it did for the horror genre. Thanks Danny Boyle.

By now, with all the viral marketing and demanding hooplah I'm sure you all know the story. Guy and girl are living happily ever after, demon decides he likes the girl enough to terror rape her and her boyfriend. Pretty straight forward aside from the fact that the director, Oren Peli, added a line or two about the demon being connected to girl, and not to the location so running away would do nothing. This takes away the Haunting in Connecticut syndrome, that when diagnosed has you constantly yelling, "JUST LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE!" I like to think I'm a rational being, so if my teenage kid ever came to me the way the kid in that movie was, I would believe him. Game over, see you later haunted house.

The movie rests squarely on the shoulders of the two actors dealing with the situation and both perform pretty damn well considering they were/are nobodies. Never did I think that they were acting, even though I knew the footage was not ACTUALLY real. They sold me. End of story.

Finally before I wrap up, I want to give credit to the director for making a really, truly chilling film with $11,000. There's no fancy effects, no soggy 10-year-olds, just a slow burning psychologically terrifying film. I can't wait to see what he does next.

Check out the full review if you haven't already and go a little deeper into just why Paranormal Activity is awesome.

Shadow of the Vampire chronicles the making of the original horror/vampire film Nosferatu, with one minor change. The film's director, F.W. Murnau (John Malovich) instead of hiring seasoned German actor Max Schreck, goes behind everyone's back and hires a local (whom everyone thinks is Schreck), someone he knows to truly be a vampire, in order to get the most realistic performance. The production is then plagued by disappearances and injuries, and Murnau himself slowly loses his mind until finally he becomes totally unaware of his surroundings, concerned only with what is happening in his frame.

Schreck, or the supposed Schreck, is played brilliantly by Willem Dafoe, the perfect choice for any role where the character has to do nothing be look and be incredibly creepy in less of a horror movie sort of way than a serial rapist sort of way. But his performance is very good, fully enveloping himself in the role as he always does, bringing Count Orlock to life in a way no one else could. The yin to Dafoe's yang is John Malkovich who plays crazy about as well as an Arkham patient. Murnau's progression from inspired film maker to psychotic German tyrant with no regard for others is slow and well thought out, presenting us with a clear change from point A to point crazy.

Notable also is the really cool camera style. Much of the film takes place on set so we get to see several scenes of Nosferatu play out in front of Murnau and his lens. The really cool part is that when we see the cameras point of view, the frame irises in, the color disappears in favor of the super high contrast 1920s black and white, and there's more grain on the film than on a small beach. It's even more interesting if you've ever bothered to sit down with Nosferatu on your own since you'll see the shots from that almost documentary style as they're being filmed. It's very cool. And there is one shot in the film that isn't on the set that mimics the iconic shadow on the stairwell shot from the 1922 film.

The story itself doesn't play to the typical horror genre as much as it turns out to be a drama about a horror film. There is horror there, but you won't be jumping out of your chair or expecting ghouls or monsters to jump out from behind every corner. What you will get is a really interesting character study, some great acting from both the leads as well as the recognizable support, and just a solid, albeit a little slow, film.

Emily Rose (Jennifer Carpenter) was a country girl who found her way into the city through a college scholarship. Abandoning the simple life she had with her family, Emily not only gets an education, but gets possessed by a very unhappy demon who totally terrorizes the shit out of her, forcing her to move back home into the care of her family. Once there, after numerous doctors and medications weren't ridding her of her problem, Emily and her family turned to religious intervention through an exorcism presided over by Father Moore (Tom Wilkinson).

We learn of Emily's death almost immediately after the credits stop playing, sending the rest of the movie to play out in two timelines: the timeline flashbacks from Emily's time in college leading up to her exorcism, and the timeline of events at a court preceding wherein the people are prosecuting Father Moore for negligent homicide, blaming Emily's death on his recommendation of discontinuing the use of the drug Gambutrol. Mixing a procedural drama with a supernatural thriller could have been a disaster, but instead both stories were incredibly gripping and having the exorcism be rationalized in a courtroom only added to its believability.

Everyone in this movie was amazing, but Jennifer Carpeter's performance as Emily is one of the best performances I've ever seen put to film. Not exaggerating. This girl was terrifying to a degree that will have you pulling whatever covers are around you up over your head to try to keep her from bursting through your screen and tearing you apart. She is so real and expressive that if you're able to fight your fear and keep watching you can't help but be incredibly impressed. Her lines are very few, but she spends a lot of time on screen being just the definition of scary. True veterans like co-stars Laura Linney and Tom Wilkinson give great performances but are made to look like straight up n00bs by Carpenter and her yelling and eating spiders and just being grossly horrifying. I wish I had more words that would do her performance justice, but this will have to do.

The setting is a little bit unrealistic, but works nicely for the tone of the film. What I mean is that Emily either went to Creepytown University, or the director tipped the scales a little bit in favor of creating a scarier atmosphere. The college is by far the rainiest fucking college you've ever seen in your life. We check in on Emily there several times and every damn time it's pouring rain, not to mention that whoever ran the electric in her classrooms should be fired because they are the most poorly lit rooms ever.....but scary.

The way the story unfolds you wind up not being 100% sure who you believe until very late. Sure you want to believe that Emily was possessed and her death was caused by the demon residing in her, but although we are shown flashbacks involving Emily in her possessed stated, clearly plagued by an outside intruder, when the prosecution (total dick) presents their side of the case to the court, we're given little bits of what it would have looked like if more medically explained phenomena were happening, that look strikingly similar to the possession. It's an interesting dynamic that plays nicely with the thriller aspect.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose may not be the most front to back horrifying film on my list, but the way the story is presented coupled with the bone chilling performance by Jennifer Carpenter has made this movie one of my all time favorites. And by the way, the exorcism scene in the barn will haunt your fucking nightmares, but may be one of the best scenes in horror history.

Session 9 was a way under the radar straight to DVD release in 2001 and it was lucky that I picked it up one fateful night at Blockbuster looking for something new and not as awful as most of the other shit I used to force myself to sit through. Good actors, broken down insane asylums, how could I go wrong?

The Danvers State Insane Asylum is in utter disrepair and has just been purchased by a developer, but before they can start renovating, a team of guys must rid the massive building of asbestos and other harmful substances used when the facility was built in the 1800s. Five men, led by the usually calm and collected Gordon, over promise in order to land the gig and begin busting their asses to get the job done on the short deadline. But of course, seeing as they are working in an asylum, strange things are afoot.

That's about as much as I want to give you. I know it's not much and it doesn't seem that exciting, but the movie does such a good job of keeping the true nature of the horror veiled that I wouldn't want to ruin any part of it for you.

Session 9 is creepy. Really creepy. It's not full of loud noises or horror movie cheap shots (jump scares) and the pacing is relatively slow, but it still manages to put this blanket of dread over you that will just make you feel uncomfortable for the hour and a half duration. Seeing Gordon's life slowly break down is chilling, bumping the suspense up just one more notch to 11.

Only on this viewing did I put every piece of the puzzle together and this is probably the fourth time I've seen it. The ending gets a little bit convoluted with flashbacks and voice overs, but I like that it doesn't feed you every answer you're looking for and let's you come to conclusions on your own. Having finally made all the proper connections, I realized just how well certain story aspects play out in context. Jeez I really am doing my best to use as many words as possible to say absolutely nothing about this movie. Knowing that Session 9 is still relatively unknown, I really encourage everyone to go into it with a clean slate and see what conclusions you draw without having an outline beforehand.

Adding one final element to the creep factor is the fact that this movie was shot on location at the actual Danvers State Insane Asylum. Sure, the story is fictional, but filming at an honest to goodness asylum would have made for a pretty scary couple of weeks of production, especially some of the dark basement shit they were filming. Not only adding some creepy to the film, but shooting there eliminated the need for sets since everything was there for you, creating an unrivaled sense of place and realism.

Session 9 is a slow burn, but is well worth the wait. The relatively slow moving story manages to twist and turn just sharply enough to keep you interested, but so so sharply that you lose track of where everyone is headed. And if you're like me and it's the suspense that gets you scared, then this movie will freak you right the fuck out.

Gang-du is a simple man. He works at his father's food cart on Seoul's Han River, serving fried squid and sleeping on the job. His only love is his daughter Hyun-seo, for whom he wants nothing more than to be a good father. On a seemingly normal day on the rivers edge, people gather to see a strange thing hanging beneath a bridge only for it to swim over and start terrorizing everyone in its path. Gang-du does everything he can to save his daughter but his efforts are for nothing as the beast eventually wraps his tail around Hyun-seo and bounds back into the river, disappearing into the nearby sewers. 

Presuming his daughter is dead, Gang-du and his family mourn her loss in a government controlled containment unit set up to prevent a weird virus from spreading to the people who were able to escape contact with the beast. Alas, Gang-du receives a midnight phone call from none other than a living Hyun-seo trapped somewhere near the river in a non-descript sewer, so with nothing but that information, the family of four escapes custody and begins their search for their lost loved one at great risk of being swallowed by the monster.

I think the best way to quantify just how good this film is is by quoting something Kristin said to me about 10 minutes into it, "Take this how you will, but Asians have a real gift for film making." The Host is brilliantly shot. The action is filmed great, but it never feels like director Joon-ho Bong is begging us to look at his monster. Insert as many sexual innuendos there as you'd like. It's shot in such a way that the focus is always on the family and their struggle to find their MacGuffin. All of it has that trademark Korean look to it, making you feel like instead of watching a horror movie, you're watching something much more beautiful.

Much like District 9, The Host makes no attempt to hide it's monster in any sort of shadow or darkness. The first time we see it is in the middle of a bright and sunny day, running through wide open spaces, smiling big at the camera the whole time. The difference being that you can actually tell a little that it's CG. It looks great, but you're not going to be fooled into thinking that its actually there like you would be by District 9. 

The story plays out really well and even though most of the government story line is in the background, you still get a really solid idea about what exactly is going on. Nothing gets convoluted behind the language barrier making this a real easy movie to watch for people who like to say, "I'm a douche, I don't like to read movies. How would I know what's going on?" Jerks. 

The Host quickly became one of my all time favorite monster movies. It's fast paced but emotional, scary yet goofy, and just an all around great time. Netflix users can check it out in the Watch Instantly section.

Eben (Josh Hartnett) is the Sheriff in the small Alaskan village of Barrow, investigating some strange findings on the town's last day of sun light for 30 days. As the sun starts to dip and the majority of the locals turn tail, a stranger comes into town on foot out of the frozen tundra surrounding Barrow, but he's not alone. When the last rays of light disappear below the horizon, vampires invade the town killing all but a small group of survivors led by Eben and his fire marshal wife, Stella. Forced to hide Anne Frank style for the duration of the darkness, Eben and his group of miscreants huddle in an attic while the vampires hunt tirelessly for the group, sending human bait into the streets in hopes of flushing out the last of the survivors.

This movie can be described in one word... fucking BRUTAL! The movie is a hardcore R, but no way did I expect to see just as much gore and outright unabashed brutality as I got out of 30 Days of Night. These vampires really need to be referred to as something else. Yes, they drink blood and burn in the sun, but these are not vampires who are looking to make friends and coexist with humans. Nope, these vampires want nothing more to tear you the fuck apart, leaving themselves with a fashionable beard of you-juice. Biting necks is child's play to these guys, and their mouthful of pointed teeth make it clear that they are not here to just poke a few holes in you and sip leisurely while they watch Jeopardy.

But the brutality is not limited to just the out of towners. The survivors make a valiant attempt to take a few of these fuckers down and actually succeed a few times. And I'm not talking like, "Oh we'll stab them in the heart with stake, no big deal." No, I'm talking, "Let's fucking straight up decapitate these assholes with an ax." And that happens, lots and lots of times, and the filmmakers make no attempt to hide it off camera or film it at angles that hide the gore factor. With as many ax decapitations that happen you would think you would get sick of it. NOPE! Each one is more brutal than the last leading up to the final one which shows off the movie's outstanding special effects better than any of the others.

So if that's what you're looking for in a horror movie, 30 Days of Night is for you, but if you are looking for a deep, well acted story, kindly move along because we have no room for you here. The movie is WROUGHT with straight up awful dialogue and poorly developed stories between the survivors which unfortunately does take away from the film's fun factor, but not so much that you can't enjoy the rest of the awesome that's going on.

So basically the best way to enjoy 30 Days of Night is to just forget about the script and accept it for what it is. Pure, unadulterated gore.