The biggest news in the movie-verse this week, maybe even this year, is that Disney rode into Marvel Entertainment on a white horse, and rescued the damsel not really in distress. The deal puts Marvel under the Disney umbrella along with Pixar and Disney's most recent purchase Spielberg's Dreamworks which, to people who aren't retarded, means that Marvel films are going to get a caliber boost especially if Pixar has anything to say about it.

But the intertubes has been astir with hate and ENDLESS claims that "OMFG NOOOOO! IRON MAN WILL BE WEARING MICKEY MOUSE EARS AND IT'LL BE PG!!!" proving that the world is full of fucktards who should be shot or sterilized so that their demon spawn don't corrupt my offspring with tarditude. For those of you who bothered to read up on the post announcement conference call, you'd know that Bob Iger, President and CEO of the Walt Disney Company, is approaching the acquisition with an "If it ain't broke..." attitude and fully plans to let Marvel do it's own thing. So quite your damn whining.

People have also been forgetting that Disney's body of work is fucking awesome. And I'm not talking just the animated movies, they've fully proven themselves in the live-action market as well. Pirates of the Caribbean, The Chronicles of Narnia, National Treasure (Fuck you it was fun), The Mighty Ducks, and mother fucking TRON to name just a few. Not to mention the Miyazaki films they've brought to the American masses, showing that Disney knows a good thing when they see it. Sure Disney's catalog is mostly full of kid's movies, but that doesn't mean that that they don't have the capacity to make amazing movies NOT specifically for children, see UP for example. If you think UP is a movie just for kid's, you are flat out wrong.

So to prove to you that Disney's influence will only be a positive one on the Marvel universe (and what a vast universe it is), I've compiled a list of Marvel movies that totally sucked WITHOUT Disney's help.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

By far the worst in the X-Men series, if you even go so far as to call it part of the series, I prefer not to, X-Men Origins: Wolverine invented new levels of fail just so it could fail even harder than its Brett Ratner directed predecessor. Completely devoid of any sort of continuity to the first films, Wolverine and his cohorts should have just been given different names followed by a clever re-titling of the film to something like "Dude Where's My Memory" and voila, a completely "original" film that keeps it's dirty fingers away from my already floundering X-Men franchise. Origins was the nail in the coffin, and until rights transfer back over to Disney, expect nothing better from the next one.

 

Hulk

Not to be confused with Louis Letterier's 2008 The Incredible Hulk, I'm talking about Ang Lee's attempt at putting the Hulk on-screen and instead creating an abominiation (you see what I did there?). If you really want to boil this one down to the simplest terms, you can use two words to describe where this went wrong...Nick Nolte. Nick Nolte has become a real life charicature and putting him in your film in any sort of serious capacity is a recipe for unbelievable pie. He's brilliant in Tropic Thunder, but that's about all he should be allowed to do. Throw evil mutated dogs, Eric Bana (don't get me wrong, I like him a lot, just not here), and piles and piles of shit CGI and you've created one of the worst comic book films ever to hit the screen. Bonus points for some really cool editing though, and of course for Jennifer Connelly.

 

Daredevil

Trash! TRASH TRASH TRASH! The only reason I hate this movie less than I hated Origins is because I had very low expectations for it already, whereas I tried to stay positive about Origins until I actually saw the movie. Daredevil has one of my least favorite things to see on film in it, Ben Affleck doing any sort of action that doesn't involve a fist fight in a South Boston basketball court. Seeing him in Paycheck proved wholly to me that this man has no capacity for being badass and from the moment he starts doing playground karate with Jennifer Garner I knew that movie was going down hill on a greased up saucer. The movie takes itself so seriously you'd think you were watching oscar bait, but you're not. You're watching a comic book movie that fails at being what comic book movies all should be...fun. The movie's saving grace is Colin Farrell as Bullseye, the only actor in here who seems to know what film he's actually making.

 

Blade Trinity

Graduating from the Ben Affleck School for Action Heroes is Jessica Biel, seen in Blade Trinity making playlists on her Apple iPod, drinking her Coke, and wearing Nike shoes. And they make damn sure you know it. The movie is nothing more than a 2 hour commercial for whatever product was willing to write them checks. Watching Wesley Snipes in this is like watching a dying star fizzle out of existence only to be sucked into the black hole that is straight-to-DVD hell. While Trinity doesn't have the worst action and is fun to look at occasionally, listening to it is like ramming a screwdriver repeatedly through your eardrum, and should only be attempted by those with the most masochistic of desires.

Filling out Trinity is easily the most hateable sympathy sponge to ever have been filmed, Natasha Lyonne's Sommerfield, a blind mother who tries to help the vampire slaying crew by bumping into things and trying to sound smart. The only thing is, she's so terrible you want nothing more than to see her walk off a very steep cliff, roll through many very sharp thorn bushes until she gets to the bottom, alive, and feels around before figuring out that she's standing waist deep in a pit of rabid, flesh hungry zombie ferrets who will leave her broken eyes for last. This movie is total dogshit (with the great exception of Ryan Reynolds) and if anyone's rebuttal is "But Jessica Biel is so hot" I will skull fuck them.

 

Spiderman 3

Rounding out the list is the surprising upset of Spiderman 3, the only one of these movie that I was fully convinced would be excellent until I saw the catastrophe unfold before my very eyes. I tricked myself into thinking that Topher Grace as Eddie Brock AKA Venom would be ok, but I was dead wrong. I can't blame Raimi for ruining Venom as Sony forced the villain on him against his will and he had to shoehorn him into a movie that was already written. But I can say that Venom, THE Spiderman villain, is forever fucked up.

Not that Venom was the only part of Spidey 3 that was bad. Need I mention the jazz dance montage? As if Tobey Maguire's stupid emo hair cut wasn't enough, they put him and his dumb face up on a stage dancing around BADLY with someone, I can't even remember who since I haven't been able to bring myself to hit the play button on the Netflix watched instantly queue where Spiderman 3 has been sitting for over a year, possibly to make Mary Jane jealous.

The movie ends in one of the coolest looking scenes of the film, Harry and Peter joining forces to take down Sandman (I think) flying through New York on a Back to the Future Part 2 hover board and web ropes respectively. Watching the scene play out is fun, but the script is so terrible the pair might as well have just been hugging and freeze frame high fiving until the credits rolled. Dialog was just sort of thrown at a wall and Raimi decided to use whatever stuck. The movie is the definition of unbearable.

 

So you see kids, Marvel has plenty of potential to make straight garbage all on its own and having Disney around isn't going to change that. In fact, having Disney around as an extra layer of quality control will probably be a good thing considering some of the great things Disney has done, including a little super hero called The Incredibles that you may have heard of, which was exactly that...Incredible. Just ignore that it was aimed at kids so my point is more valid.

These 5 movies prove that there's no damn reason to get upset about Marvel getting scooped up by Disney, and that Marvel was perfectly good at producing some super shitty movies on their own (and with the help of Sony, New Line, and Fox). The prospect of Pixar working with Marvel has me all giddy, and it is a strong possibility that that will happen sooner rather than later.

The amount of positive possibilities far outweighs the negative, so it is with this blog that I tell the internet collectively to just SHUT THE FUCK UP!